Swiggity Swam I'm A Sam
by thefriendlyguy63
Summary: Crack!fic one-shot. When Crowley possesses Hannibal and chats with Will, what could possibly go wrong? If you want to know how this idea came about, consult my extremely detailed description in the author's note. (Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural or Hannibal, or any of the characters.)


**A/N:**

**Please don't ask. I have no idea what this is. Just… don't.**

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><p>One day, Will Graham was sat in bed all like 'omg I'm going crazy I can feel antlers on my butt what's going on' (as per usual) so he decided to visit the Supreme Hanni-bull. He swaggered into the bae's office smelling like brain syphilis, but when he sees Hannipoo, he sees some red smoke going into his mouth. Willy obviously thinks he's hallucinating again, because let's be honest, literally nothing he sees is ever real. A moment later the red smoke is gone and Han looks normal again apart from his suspicious face which always looks dodgy but helps him blend in.<p>

"Can I come in, since I'm the bae?" Willllllll said while pouting his lips.

"Of course dear… (I'm gonna eat that booty)" Hanni replied, smiling seductively, but his seductive face was a bit different to normal.

"WHAT DID YOU SAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!" Will shouted barbarically, his tongue almost licking Hanni's eyebrow.

"I said come in. Bee tee dubs, I'm not actually your bae lol."

"Gah I did not foresee this plot point." Gasping like cannibals without human meats, Will waved at not-Han. "Hi. So who r u m8?" He asked.

"I'm ya mum." At that, a judge appeared, slamming down that gavel with mighty divine power, and yelled 'OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH' at the bottom of his lungs.

"Jk lol I'm Crowley King of Hell blah blah. To be fair I probs am ya mum since I give birth to everyone. ((Seriously though why is Crowley always the pregnant one?)) Anywho, I'm here to tell you to save the world. I don't like it but that's just how it's gotta be I'm afraid." Crowley-Hanni raised his eyebrows so far they flew off his head, smashed through the ceiling, made love to an alien spaceship then fell back on his face.

"Why I gotta do it." Willie's sad sad face became sadder because he doesn't like the idea of being a person.

"You know those visions and nightmares you have? It's because you're actually a prophet, mate. Like it kinda sucks actually but whatever. And you know what's hip and happening so let's go now yay."

"Wut."

"We're off to see the Sammyyyyyyyyyy the wonderful Sammy of moose!" Crowley-Hanni sung very loudly, so loudly in fact that a dead half-eaten human from the gigantic fridge down in the murder basement woke up and then fell asleep forever. Then, before Will could say anything else, he was zapped by Crowley-Hanni and they were in a forest. Kind of like the Purgatory forest, but not the Purgatory forest.

"What's going on." Will was a poor confuddled baby that just needed a hug but only trees could give him hugs. And Treebeard wasn't there to hug him. Not today.

"So basically, Sammy Winchester is a moose. A literal moose man. Made of 100 per cent moose but he looks like a man to normal peeps. But you see a stag, right? It's no stag. That is Sam the Moose. Moosam. Samoose. You are seeing him, and he is planning to take over the world. I don't want my hell to die also so you need to stop him. Danke schӧne." After Crowley-Hanni finished talking, the mighty moose man himself appeared! But he wasn't alone…

"What the hell mate there's a squirrel too." Will was still confuzzled so he fell over then got up again. He was ok though.

"Yeah ikr. That's the moose's bro, Deanie-weenie. You can defeat him if you want to. I don't care really. Just kill them, Willie. Kill them all." Crowley-Hanni suddenly got a shadow on his face that made him look evil. This made Will wonder if Hannibal was in fact nomming on people, but he dismissed it. He was good, right? Yes. Of course, it wasn't like the guy's name rhymed with cannibal or he made loads of cannibal puns or anything. Anyway, back to the plot.

"Nah man, I can't be bothered to kill today. Oh, speaking of me killing people, look, it's Garret Jacob Hobbs, because I have to say his full name every time. No, I can't just say 'Garret', because clearly no one will know who I'm talking about. What a stupid idea. So yeah, he's there." Although Will said it was just Garret Jacob Hobbs, it wasn't. It was actually Carrot Jacob Hobbs! As in, a literal carrot. Right in front of them. But before anyone could do anything, Sam the moose stabbed Carrot Jacob Hobbs with his antlers (just like how he killed the girls). Willy turned around to look at Crowley-Hanni for help, but he wasn't there either! Will swished his adorable curly hair towards Carrot Jacob Hobbs again and found Crowley-Hanni eating the vegetable covered man. This sight was so disturbing that it caused Will to wake up. That's right, he was dreaming all along! Well, not the whole time, it seemed, as Will was still in the bae's office. Perched on the suave leather unorthodox therapy chair, the crazy baby was opposite the cannibal himself, who was sat sipping some wine with his legs neatly crossed, like usual. However, when Will blinked again, Han started chatting urgently.

"Willieeeeee you're awake! Quick, we need to go kill Moosam! Now, Dean, go! I mean Will. Sorry."

"Wait, I thought you were-"

"Nope. Still Crowley. Anyway, we need to hurry, come on!" But when Crowley-Hanni touched Will (not a bad touch) to zap him away, Will found himself waking up again…

He came round slowly this time, his head lulling from side to side in time with the waves- Wait a second, waves? Opening his eyes and sitting up gently, Mr Graham realised he was surrounded by white sand and blue sea. He was on a beach. A man-shaped shadow was cast over a section of the luscious sand grains, and when Will looked up to see who it was, he found it was a grey-haired, suited British man.

"Spooky dreams." The man (who Will would later find out was Michael Caine, after googling it) stated calmly in a Cockney accent, before fading away into the breeze.

"Wha… Wait, good sir! Oh…" Will tried to speak to the figurehead of life-long acting, yet he had already gone.

A second later, Will jolted awake for what felt like the thousandth time that day. ((Yep, there's a proper Inception thing going on here, and that's not including the blatant reference I just made.)) But this time, it felt… normal. He was sweating oceans and his heart rate was crazy high (just like him), but this time he was at home. The delusional attractive man was in his own grey-sheeted bed in his wooden floor boarded house, and when he looked across his bedroom, he saw his mini army of cute doggies. Sitting back for a moment and revelling in the fact that it had all been a dream, Will grinned happily at his puppies. Then, the most important dog of them all strutted fabulously out from the crowd. It was Winston. But his head wasn't a normal dog's head. Instead, the face of the sexy psychiatrist aka Hannibal Lecter was obscuring Winston's normal face. But it wasn't just that – out the back of Hannibal's head protruded two long and complex stag (or were they moose?) antlers that twisted towards Will and grabbed either side of his cute and confused face.

"This is all real, Will…" Winston spoke to his owner in the very Danish accent that his psychiatrist had.

THE END


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